Forlorn! The Very Word is like a Bell

DSCN1461 (Large)(Any disagreements accepted in anticipation! My account can be perforce biased in favor of or against it).

She was touching the frontier of 57 when I met her. My first encounter was in audio coming from outside of my place and the loud volume of her voice forced me to personally confirm that someone has just shifted by my side. Hoarse voice with continuous friction of 57 years was now my neighbor. The mother, half of her children got married and were having school going kids while other half were about to marry and were engaged to their spouses. There is no surprise in the story so far, I know. It does not start here in fact.

‘Years ago I used to dream a young man of 20s sitting on the holy rostrum of a holy place. The days passed by and the dream invaded to my eyes opened. Happened again and again and with the same person really ensnared me. Intensity of the moment started taking its heavy toll and I began talking to myself. The best listener by my side wherever I went. The soliloquy! Life took many twists and every twist left me away from the circles of normal life. My off spring got upset seeing me talking to myself in a closed room. Self-captivation! My spouse called me mentally disturbed due to untimely and sudden death of my son of 28 in an accident. Everyone at home found their own reasons and I got shelter under the canopy of dream with closed and open eyes both.

Months passed and the wheel of life went on the snow-clad roads of New Jersey. One afternoon, I asked my daughter to make me a Facebook account as I had no idea about it before. She helped me make my account and join a page of a religious party. Like a child I was happy to have my own Facebook page and name on internet. Clicking the page recently joined, I suddenly came across the photo of a young man of late 20s. O my God, the same young man I had ever seen! The same face I was in search of! The same! The same! I cried loud and then louder. Surprises whispered that evening at my home, my husband, sons and daughter, all walls together.

I searched the profile history of the young man and the only one thing I came to know was his home town, a city of millions. I managed to return to my homeland with a return ticket on the pretext of handling some property issues. The day came when I landed to search a human being out of at least millions, but I was glad to initiate the journey no matter how hard it was going to be. Browsing all nearby areas of that mentioned city, I traveled on local vans, rickshaws, and buses to find my lost property. After struggle of three months, I finally succeeded in reaching the home where I had lost everything. A small house with an ordinary name plate outside.  Surprises went on their paths.

The young man already knew me when I met him first time, he knew everything, it meant. Fears snaked up around me for a moment. The young man of 28 or so was standing before me to know the purpose of my arrival. His mother, wife of 26, and son of 2 were in the list of the surprised. I was the nucleus of that wonder when I exploded saying ‘I love you’ and ‘I want to marry you’. I saw the reasons and logic going behind the walls of conscious but it was all. I said it all.

A loud, roaring refusal encountered my ears. I was asked to leave the home at once and never to be back and I came back to my home where I had spent my life with my family. My background had gone with the wind of a dream materialized now into reality. I contacted his colleagues at work and requested them to help me contact him at least on phone. Succeeded first, I was blocked by the number dialed and was badly rebuked on calling from any other number. Disappointed, crestfallen, dejected, I confined to my enclosure.

One fine morning I packed my luggage up, bade adieu to the place of husband and left for his job place. Wait of the whole day brought fruits in the evening when I was blessed with his arrival at 5 pm in a grassy lawn of the building. He did not even sit before me and ordered me to leave the place at once and never chase him like this. ‘I am married and I love my wife and kid’, his nerves failed and he burst out. At least he was talking to me; I was listening to him….. The universe was listening to him. He asked someone to leave me at bus stop to go back but I had burnt all boats on shores behind and now vast sea was all around. My well-composed sentences went dumb whenever he appeared before me.

I returned to my place once again where I stayed with silence and my soliloquies. (It was vacant as my family has immigrated years ago). My dreams refused to alter their course and my patience too. I left my place and went to another big city where some clues of his presence spoke out to me. I contacted him through my nephew who somewhat understood my inner self. I requested and even tried to see him but no request met with acceptance except with condition of meeting him as a son, extremely thorny to me. He picked my nephew’s number and talked to him regarding my return to my family abroad and to start my life anew. I was glad at least he talks about me, he thinks over me.

I rented a place in that big city and closed myself to a room. Going away from him is the most torturous thing for me. Agony of the said and unsaid leaves me broken after continuous sleeplessness. Dreams have been promoted to his live presence where he sits beside me, wakes me up for midnight prayer, talks to me and replies my queries. My eyes closed or open, find him around me, close, very close to me. He knows when I remember him and he is aware of what I think and do all the day’, she gasped in.

‘I need your hearty prays to make my access to him feasible and easy. What is impossible in this world? Why should we live the life of others when we have our lives to live? Why are we chained to social norms when they have nothing to do with religion? It is not possible in this country but not impossible in US’, human rights of a US-returned 57-year-old lady cried out.

She has no marital relation with her husband; since last 10 years they have been away from each other and he has openly expressed his dislike for her but that dislike is a part of life in the eastern life style where marriages are the name of compromise instead of bliss. Future of four daughters and a son is on one side and uproar of love is on the other, decision seems to be hanging in the air. The young man is aware of the tale though he is not. She gets positives clues from his camp that encourages her to stand on her feet. When she says he responds to her calls while being hundreds of miles away, she is not totally wrong. His facebook updates whisper the partial truth of what she claims.

I am in a fix what to say and how to express, and what will come out of this bag? Will the experience of 57 years crying like a kid win or the forest of dreams will go further dense? Where will 28-year soul fit him in the coming days? Another honor killing in the wake? Another impossibility breeding out of weirdness? Another breaking news for news channels?

Sad demise of the death of 28 years old son embracing the frontiers of Schizophrenia! Realities intertwined with fantasies!!

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